MOG

Part 1 - Paranoid Android.
"I want you to go, but we also don't really have the money."
"I get paid on Wednesday, and I've got extra work lined up for the week - if that wasn't the case, I wouldn't even consider it"
"Well, maybe you should just go by yourself then."
"But now I don't know if I want to go by myself..."

When had all this doubt and hesitation begun? When had it become so difficult to go to a concert? I know. It was about 2 and a half years ago. That's when I became a dad, and that's when every preconception you have about life, and your expectations for it, are thrown against the wall, scattered, and placed back in the box of priorities, in a different order than before. Going to a concert or a show is something that never required a second thought. Now it felt like a whole new way of judging my own self worth. Am I a bad father for wanting to go see a "show" when things are tight? How come I haven't seen Radiohead before this point? Don't I at the very least deserve this? Life's daily routine had me moving in a prescribed course. Why was it so hard to break out of the routine?

The fact of the matter is this, I can't make a decision to save my life. Throw in a little extra doubt or unease of the monetary kind, and I'm a basket case. I am just not good at being spontaneous, and I never have been (even though the few times that I allow myself this luxury, I never regret it). I'm just a creature of habit. I'm stubborn that way.

It was the day of the concert and I still didn't have a ticket. I had originally planned on going by myself, as my "night off". The "night off" was a great idea that my wife had instituted earlier in the year, that allowed us a chance to refresh our minds with whatever non-parenting activity we chose. After I mentioned this, my wife eventually got around to saying that she would like to see Radiohead as well. I was perplexed. Due to the fact that I live in my head about 90% of the time, and I don't always pay attention to whether or not people like the same music I do or not. I'm obsessive about my music, but I don't expect others to follow suit. Silly as it may seem, the idea that this woman who actually wanted to marry AND have children with me actually wanted to spend time with me at a concert. This seemed like a strange proposition at first. Of course my better senses came around and realized that who wouldn't jump at an opportunity to do an adult/former self activity with someone you love after spending days potty training, wiping runny noses, and cleaning the inevitable sticky banana hands. My wife needed to let off some steam as well, and I was oblivious. Duh. So we made plans to go, set up child care with my sister-in-law. We were going to have a date.

If having children teaches you anything, it is to not be attached to your ideas or expectations about anything. Things come up and little people throw up. To put it nicely, "Poop Happens." Well, I checked ticket master regularly every week leading up to the show, but didn't want to put down the $100 just yet. We're getting by, and that's a big chunk of change, and nothing was completely set in stone as for the kids health or child care. So I waited it out. If it wasn't sold out a week before the show, I had a good feeling it wouldn't sell out at all. What really got me was the $15 in "extra" charges. It infuriated me to no end. It clearly said $32 for a general admission ticket, yet when you went to purchase your ticket a mysterious $9 "convenience charge", $5 venue charge, and $2.50 charge for me to PRINT THE TICKET MYSELF! I'm sure my wife was rolling her eyes after my 15th rant on "why didn't they just make the ticket $48.50 rather than spell out just how they are extorting extra money from me". In instances like this, I prefer to be ignorant.

A brief review of our finances over the weekend made the concert start to look almost like an impracticality. We had bills coming soon, and some money we had to put back in the slush fund. This wasn't looking like a good idea. My wife made the decision, or rather claimed she thought it might be best if she stayed home, and I went by myself - if I wanted too. What? Your leaving me to make a decision...by myself? God help me. I was equally excited about the prospect of finally seeing Radiohead, yet tense about the seeming extravagance of the experience. So I convinced myself that I needed to go if not only for being able to replay it in my head later in the week when she had her night off and I was trying to put a crying baby to sleep. Yeah, I could live with that.

The idea of going seemed like fun, but I couldn't find that old part of myself that...well...just wanted to rock. My wife had put a mix of Radiohead songs on the iPod shuffle, and when we were in the car I would get small doses of Johnny's crushing guitar solos and Thome's melancholy falsetto in between "Baby Beluga" and songs about the alphabet.

To be continued...